There's a Thorn for Every Rose

Last few days have been interesting to say the least with the whole banning tiktok stunt and life as whole being exhausting at home. In good news though my best friend and their mom patched up my comfort jacket. For the last few months to a year, I lost track of time, it had holes in it and I hadn't worn it out of fear of making it worse. This jacket has been with me through middle school and quite literally has blood, sweat and tears in it. Obviously it's been cleaned multiple times so it's more so metaphorical now but still holds a heavy connection with me. They took it and patched it up with so much love and care that I love it even more than I did before. In some ways it seems the jacket itself has healed and having my jacket back I feel like I've healed a little myself.

It's a Legend of Zelda breath of the wild jacket with the Sheikah eye on the back of it that isn't available to buy anymore from what I could find myself so seeing it start to get holes was definitely concerning. The patches consist of meaningful things to me. One was the tri force logo which I love since a legend of zelda jacket. There's a patch work mushroom made of different fabrics coming out of one of the pockets and above that is a little orange cat patch to represent my cat, Oliver. He's not full orange but definitely acts like it and I am pretty sure this is the only cat patch they had anyway but I still adore it just as much and understand the meaning behind it. On the biggest hole is a trans flag patch made of different fabrics that match the color perfectly. Regardless of the state of the US and it's government I will continue to be me and display that proudly. After all I am apart of the adults now that is a symbol for the trans kids and the least I can do is keep pushing forward to show them they deserve to live the way they dream. They deserve to be happy. On one of the pockets on the next biggest hole is a blue rupee though I thought it was a sapphire which is my fiance's birthstone. Even though it's a blue rupee I love the idea that it is a sapphire instead and my friend and their mom completely understand that and seem to be quite happy they did that on accident. Other than that there's a few stars for smaller holes which are really cute. At some point I'm hoping they can help me with putting an Anarchy symbol somewhere on the jacket.

Other than that I've seem to have made two new friends. One I have yet to talk to very much but the other I've gotten along with lovely. It uses it/it's pronouns and even though I also use it/it's I'm realizing the mindset that was drilled into me of "that's rude" is making it difficult for my brain so I keep defaulting to they/them without thinking. Thankfully it is understanding of this I'm mostly writing this portion to help practice because even though there is no malicious intent I feel bad because I've met it with these pronouns and yet I'm still messing up. I want to be better at the pronouns but I'm thankful it isn't upset and it knows I'm trying my best. I met it on Bluesky through talking about Amir Beckett from Warframe and now we even play Warframe together. Today we had our first call. It's partner, my fiance, and my best friend were all there and it was honestly so nice. We kind of turned into a podcast for it and it's partner since it was having body pain and had to hop off the game, which I completely understand. After my best friend hopped off I also decided to hop off because my throat hurt from all the laughing I did. I don't laugh that much often enough apparently, though I've also been very tired as of recent in general. After hopping off all together I stayed on texting just now because that's much easier on me at the moment. It ended up sending me a message directly thanking me for basically just being me and being so nice. That message was so heart warming to read and we proceeded to have a very long deep conversation. We are both so similar with different stories. I'm glad I met it because it and it's partner seem to be so genuine and understanding even with the broken parts of me where I overthink so deeply.

Thanks to it I also got a better understanding on kinning fictional characters normally and spiritually. When I tried researching it previously everything I was reading made it seem like I was doing it "wrong" but it and it's partner explained that is very much not the case, same for xenogenders. Reading that from an actual other person was so much easier for me to process compared to the mess I found online and I think I'm finally going to dip into that again. I may even re-code a page for it on my website. We'll see if I find the energy for it though.

Regarding mental health I need to get better at being independent again and doing my own thing. I'm going to use blogging as one of these things. It helps me think and get my thoughts down even if I'm the only one who understands it. I've tried keeping a journal/diary before but it never felt the same as this. With this people I care about can read it easily and strangers can read it and maybe relate and realize they're not alone with how they feel. I plan to try and get back into reading as well to keep my mind busy. Not that I'm going to be alone often but even still when I am alone I do need to be able to function to a degree. If I had the money I would start exploring other interests like pottery, maybe even crochet, though I'm leaning more into the interest of pottery. I'd love to do more photography but getting around at the moment is so difficult so that's really on hold until I can go out anywhere for it. I really do need to look into more hobby options though because I feel like I've managed to limit myself on what I can actually do. I do still have my coding so there's that but I may not always have the energy or motivation to do so. I have the option to draw as well but art block is so difficult to bypass especially since I haven't found "my calling" yet when it comes to drawing. I like landscape but with very messed up proportions I like the oddness of it being wrong if that makes sense? Though it's not necessarily abstract art either, or maybe it is and I just don't know what it means to fully be an abstract artist. I don't really know all the terms when it comes to being an artist especially since I'm so new at it. Maybe I'll look up a list again of hobby ideas that I can do with my current living conditions and see if any catch my interest, that will probably be my next course of action. I seriously do need to get consistent with my Tarot reading practice again but consistency is a very tricky thing to get a hold of when you've been inconsistent with a lot of tasks throughout your life.

I like patterns but sometimes finding and sticking to that pattern is difficult. I both hate and love change. I hate the bad that can come with change and I fear the unknown but I love the good change the freshness of something new instead of the same repeating days I've experienced most of my life. It's mind boggling how on board and not on board I am with it all it's hard to stay afloat but I've managed thanks to my support system and me not fully giving up on myself. I still have a long way to go when it comes to properly caring about myself and not fully hating myself the way I do it's an interesting mindset to have. Knowing myself the most and somehow being the person who hates me the most. I don't give myself enough credit but I don't want to come off as having an ego. I push myself too hard but it feels like I'm never doing enough. I want world peace and everyone to be okay so I people pleased for most of my life. I'm much more aware now how harmful these mindsets are for myself and I have moments, quite like this one, where I realize and can recap of "Hey maybe it's not all so bad." I'm sure once the mood swing drops that will change quite quickly because it hasn't been stable for a long while. Even as I type these words I still overthink these things but on a lesser scale. It's always the "What if?" I fear the most it's what lurks in my mind it makes my decisions but I know it shouldn't. But knowing there's that chance, what if it's right? I don't know if it's right and I never will if I let that hold me back. I know it still will but writing it out over time slowly enforcing the idea I'll get there. I need to have some kind of hope and trust within myself if I ever want to move forward at all. I can't constantly be my own roadblock.

Regarding the state of the USA now I really need to kick this into over drive. I have to be patient with myself but I also need to be swift at the same time. I can't be taking myself out at the exact same time the US is. Transgender rights are on the chopping block and so are many others. These people deserve to be happy and live their lives and their dreams. It's the land of the free they say but it's no where near that. I always knew something felt off growing up and as I got older it only got proven more and more. It was to the point I hated my own race for what we caused in the past and here we are having history repeat itself in the modern day. All I can do is hope that justice will be served in some way to stop the hellfire we're all going to be hit with. I hope my fiance, friends and I can make it all out soon to live better lives.